What the Sorrowful Mysteries Showed Me On This Day
Over the course of the last few months, I have been feeling
utterly abandoned by my Catholic brothers and sisters due to the increasing
backlash against the police in this country (see my last blog post). As a Catholic cop, I am more than a little sensitive
to this phenomenon. I expect it from the
public at large and especially from the criminal element, but I admit it threw
me when I started to see it from my fellow parishioners, members of religious
communities, and especially from the Catholic press.
It got to the point where I stopped praying my daily Rosary
or doing any of the usual devotions I had been engaging in because I felt so
betrayed. I barely could get up the energy
to attend Sunday Mass anymore. Hard as I
tried, I couldn’t separate my feelings from my spiritual life.
For many years now, I’ve been wondering if Jesus would give
me a cross to bear. I know that I have
been blessed beyond measure by God with an unbelievably supportive and Godly wife
and the most perfect children one could pray for. My career has been amazing and it has allowed
me to support my family well. With the
help of my beautiful wife, I found my way back home to the Catholic Faith where
I have learned to truly love the Lord.
Could I really expect to escape this world without being tested?
Now I know what you are thinking: “Is this guy serious? He has admitted to enjoying a happy, healthy
life and family, and being blessed. Is
he now going to claim that just because some people have said some mean stuff
about his profession that he has a cross to bear?” With all the suffering all around us, is he
really wanting us to feel bad for him??” I know. I thought the same thing, but bear with me. I’ll make you even more angry.
Forget the fact that cops are now getting murdered just for wearing the uniform due to the ongoing vilification of my profession and that my wife has to worry more and more each day if my brains are going to be blown out just for sport while I sit in my police car.
Forget the fact that cops are now getting murdered just for wearing the uniform due to the ongoing vilification of my profession and that my wife has to worry more and more each day if my brains are going to be blown out just for sport while I sit in my police car.
Perhaps it is because I am within two months of retiring
after thirty years as a cop that I am so sensitive, but I am starting to think
about my “legacy” here at my department and the blood, sweat and tears-literally-that
I’ve put into this job in the service of others. I have endured a lot of vitriol and have had
people try to kill me in earnest on several occasions, but I have always
expected that from the bad guys. Now
though, I’m getting this hostility from my own faith community (even though
none of them actually knows anything about police work, have never undergone
one minute of training, have never been in a physical fight not to mention ever
had to actually fight for their lives).
As I reflect back on my career and the friends I’ve lost in the line of duty, and all the sacrifices made, I had been feeling completely disheartened because of today’s climate. I am not exaggerating when I say I have lost much sleep over this and have agonized over it. It has torn me up.
As I reflect back on my career and the friends I’ve lost in the line of duty, and all the sacrifices made, I had been feeling completely disheartened because of today’s climate. I am not exaggerating when I say I have lost much sleep over this and have agonized over it. It has torn me up.
Today though, I forced myself to go over to my parish on my
lunch break to pray the Rosary like I had been doing for the last three years
or so but had let slip lately due to what I have already written about. Believe me, I was not in the mood to do
it. As I pondered the Sorrowful
Mysteries though, I thought about Christ as he was humiliated, tortured, and
completely and utterly betrayed by those that He loves beyond
understanding-those that He came down from Heaven to save. They all not only turned their backs on Him,
but many openly cheered for His death in the most horrific way imaginable, and
some even participated in it. His closest
friends denied knowing Him. Judas,
hand-picked by Christ Himself turned Him over to the Romans for execution. Still, He let it all happen with nothing but
love in His heart. Again, I know what
you’re thinking: “Is he really going to compare his hurt feelings with the
sufferings of Christ??” No, I am
not….but…..
I thought about how I could offer up my own feelings of
betrayal and my disenchantment with fellow Catholics, especially the Catholic media, and some
religious, and I thought to myself, if Christ can lovingly endure the
unimaginable torture and death that He did, I certainly can join my suffering
that pales in comparison with that of His.
I can take comfort in the fact that even while He was enduring the
crown of thorns and the beatings, the plucking of His beard and the
humiliation, if I were there and had approached our Blessed Lord with my
piddling little problems, He still would’ve taken me into His arms like the
loving Father He is, and He would’ve comforted me and healed me. Today I asked him to do just that, and to
help me concentrate on His Holy Bride the Catholic Church; to have faith in Him
and all the promises He made to us and to realize my whole heart should be
concentrating on getting my family and myself to Heaven and that nothing else
in this world matters. I left the
cathedral feeling like a new man.
I’ll be resuming my daily rosary.